Falling apart
by Jessica12
Summary: L/L Follows "If you ever" Will Luke and Lorelai admit their feelings for each other?


Title: Falling apart  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Disribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS. Poem "Many and More"  
by Maya Angeleou ( the complete collected poems )   
Summary: Follows "If you ever". Will Luke and Lorelai admit their  
feelings for each other?  
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
________________________________________  
  
"I have need of a friend  
  
There is one and only one  
who will give the air  
from his failing lungs  
for my body's mend.  
  
And that one is my love."/  
  
________________________________  
  
Falling apart  
by: Jessica  
  
He came to me in my dreams last night.  
He brought my soul peace.  
I woke longing for him.  
Now I'm standing here by my window feeling lost.  
I know that I should go to him and tell him the truth.  
I should give him my heart.  
Truth.  
I fear the truth.  
I fear my heart.  
I kissed him.  
Luke.  
The man I have depended on for so long.  
My friend.  
My savior.  
Hero.  
He kissed me.  
God..he kissed me.  
I can still taste him.  
I can still feel his hands on my body.  
This is madness.  
What should I do?  
I love him.  
Or am I wrong?  
What if he's not the right one?  
What if I fail once again?  
Fear has a hold of my heart.  
  
_____________  
  
I went about my day as nothing had happened.  
I opened the diner as usual.  
I refused to give into the voices that screamed in my ear.  
Go to her! Go to her!  
I kept expecting her to walk through that door at any moment.  
I had this speech prepared.  
I would win her heart.  
The minutes turned into hours.  
But she never came.  
I wanted to run to her house and beg for my bleeding heart.  
But I couldn't.  
I had my pride.  
Maybe this was all a mistake.  
Maybe she didn't feel the same.  
Maybe I was wrong.  
Fool.  
  
__________________________  
  
I walked around my house trying to not think about him.  
I even made coffee.  
It tasted awful.  
I knew that we had to talk.  
I couldn't avoid him forever.  
I had to do this.  
It was all for the best.  
  
____________________________  
  
He was just about to close the diner when I walked through the door.  
"I need to talk to you."  
He walked towards me, smiling.  
His eyes seemed to glow.  
Pain ate at my heart as I sat down at a table by the door.  
"Coffee?"  
"Yeah, what else?"  
I really tried to smile.  
But I failed.  
I took a sip of coffee and looked at him.  
I came to break his heart.  
I prayed that he wouldn't hate me.  
I could take anything but hate.  
He sat down opposite me and took my hand.  
I shivered under his touch.  
"So what did you want to talk about?"  
I could see in his eyes that he already knew what I wanted to talk about.  
"Hum...the kiss."  
"Ok."  
"I just wanted to say..."  
I couldn't say the words that would shatter his heart.  
I saw hope in his eyes.  
Love.  
"Lorelai, I have never felt..."  
"Luke. Don't."  
"What?"  
"Please, I.."  
"What?"  
"It was just a kiss."  
He let go of my hand.  
My heart ached after his touch.  
"Just a kiss?"  
"I think we just need to forget about it."  
"But what if I don't want to. What if I can't?"  
"Please, don't do this."  
I rose and turned away from him.  
"Do what?"  
I turned towards him. I had to make him understand that this was the   
right thing to do.   
"Luke, it was just a kiss. Don't make a big deal out of it!"  
"Big deal! Big deal. How can you say that!?"  
"Luke..."  
He moved towards me.   
His eyes were on fire.  
"So you felt nothing? You kissed me back, Lorelai."  
He was like a tiger.  
His strength took me in.  
He reached for me.  
I wanted to crumble.  
But I needed to be strong.  
This was all for the best.  
I moved away from his hand.  
"Please..."  
He moved towards me.  
I wanted to run as far away as possible.  
But I couldn't run.  
I needed to finish this.  
He pinned me against the door.  
My heart was racing in my chest.  
"So it was just all in my head?"  
His scent made my mind blurry.  
He was so close.  
If he touched me now I would crumble.  
"I don't believe that."  
Then he kissed me.  
I trembled as our lips met.  
His lips against mine were like magic to my soul.  
He whispered those words I feared so against my lips:  
"I love you, Lorelai Gilmore."  
I wanted so badly to love him.  
It would be so easy to let go and let myself love him.  
I could love him.  
I loved him.  
But fear had a hold of my heart.  
Memories from the past kept chasing me around.  
This was all for the best.  
"I can't."  
I slipped away from him.  
"Lorelai..."  
He reached for me but I avoided his hand.  
"I just can't do this."  
"But.."  
"Luke, please..."  
I needed to save my heart.  
It was a matter of survival.  
"All I ever have wanted was you.."  
He looked at me. Longing painted his eyes in dark colours.  
My whole body screamed out to go to him and the sweet surrender I   
found in his arms.  
But I couldn't.  
It was too late for me now.  
"You don't want me, Luke. I'm damaged goods."  
"I love you. You are the only one that I ever really have loved."  
He walked towards me, drawing me in.  
Tears filled my eyes as our eyes met.  
Falling.  
In my ear a voice screamed:  
LOVE HIM! LOVE HIM!  
But I wouldn't listen.  
He would never be mine.  
"I can't."  
Then I walked away from him.  
  
_____________________________________________  
  
I stood a long time in the window watching her walk away from me.  
Should a broken heart be beating?  
I felt like a fool giving my heart like that.  
I should have known.  
She never gave her heart.  
She was never mine to win.  
I had been here so many times so you would think I knew the  
drill by now.  
But I didn't.  
It still hurt.  
God, knows that I loved her.  
I loved her smile.  
The way she always made me smile.  
I loved the way she loved Rory.  
I loved the way she felt in my arms.  
It wasn't fair.   
But I would be strong.  
God, it hurt.  
I surrendered my heart and prayed that I would survive.  
I will rise again.  
I leaned my head against the window and whispered:  
"Goodbye."  
Then I turned of the light and then I walked the path to my   
apartment.  
  
________________________  
  
I stood there watching as the light went of in the diner.  
I stayed out of sight.  
The snow kept on falling.  
I stood there along time not wanting to go home just yet.  
Tears marked my face as I whispered into the dark night the   
words I feared to speak out load:  
"I love you, Luke."  
But that he will never know.  
Then I turned and walked home.  
  
____________________________________________  
  
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